What is your quest? To find a purpose
What is your favorite color? Purple!
Ok. So, I have a job. I hate my job. I hate working for 'the man'. I hate corporate America. I can't even pretend to like it. I have a difficult time accepting my bosses who are money-grubbing fools. I don't like going to my job. I don't like my commute. I hate traffic with a passion. SUV's who think they are above the weather gods and can drive 50mph in 3'' of slush can go to hell quite frankly. You know what? Before the farm, I was fine. I was good. I was ok living in my world of naivete. I was okay with corporate America. Post-Farm, I suck at it. I hate it. It grinds on my very nerves. Every penny pinching job and action I do at work seem pointless. Yes, I'm doing my job, and I'm doing it very well. However, I get no satisfaction from it. I go home at the end of the day saying, yeah, good job, everything you didn't finish will still be there again tomorrow. It's getting to me. I find myself sinking into a funk, wishing it were time to quit this job and be on to the next... the next step of life. Hell, I'm getting married, that'll change things up. I'm ready for adventure and challenges. Instead, I'm in a job that believes in many things I don't appreciate any more, living in a house I grew up in, and in a city that I've outgrown. I guess you could say, I'm feeling a bit fruitless in my pursuit. I let things go that should have been finished long ago - Christmas cards - I still have 14 here that I'm going to send out... sometime. I just now cleaned my room to make it liveable after a few months.
I can go on, but I think I'm just whining. I think I need a new job. Has anyone else had a successful follow up to their job on the farm? Can really my best job in life be said that I was a cook on a farm?!!?
In other news, I'm getting over a 3 week long sinus infection reminiscent of my one from last Spring that landed me at the hospital and have thus been living in a haze for 3 weeks. Having a migraine for 2 of the 3 weeks made life amazing. Can you sense my sarcasm? * DRIP DRIP*
It just snowed a foot yesterday after a winter when we've had more snow than ever in my lifetime... hey, i thought I moved away from New England! It's Wednesday, and... it was also 80 degrees Sunday. In the happiest news of all, Joel gets here on Friday! He's coming in for his Spring Break, the last of his career as he is graduating in MAY!!! He'll be here in the 'Lou for the summer and then will be in NYC until I get there :) There we go, I feel like I'm in Peter Pan, that's my happy thought, the one that makes me float off the bed and fly...
Read some good books of recent: The Omnivore's Dilemna and I did just finish, Eat Pray Love. Both were pretty decent books, though oddly if you had asked while I was reading them if I liked them, I'd have said no. Odd... In retrospect, I enjoyed them, truly. I think the mood you go into a book with is often reflected in how you think about said book, or at least in my case it is.
Um, I've been reading correspondences from everyone, but with little energy to respond. I'm hoping to have that communication back up shortly. The meds are still tuning me out hard core.
I do miss cooking. I miss the big saucepans, 20 lbs. of beef and perfectly well done eggs in the morning. I miss the frangrances of the herbs, the chatter of our Argentinian Chef and the white board. I miss putting away stock, ducking in the fridge during the warm summer months and picking herbs out back from the garden. I miss the fresh veggies from Steve-o, the furtive glances of the hungry in the doorway, and the people. Nostalgia takes ahold of me every so often and I'm literally transported back into a time, a moment. A taste, a smell, a song even can take me there. It's special and I love those moments.
I just needed to put something, anything on paper. Now that the drought is over, I think I can write again more freely. BTW, I love reading everyone's blogs. It makes me feel like I'm talking to you. Peace.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
Tiz! I wish I could give you a big hug! I know exactly what you mean, this is what I'm calling the GF Curse. Nothing seems satisfactory afterwards. I was a world-hopping adventurer, but suddenly a little taste of community and a little growth of roots put the screetching brakes on my life, my career, my purpose (if ever I had one.)
Get a job and hate it (like you) or don't get a job and have people pressure you about what the heck you're doing (like me)... there seems to be only one solution, to find THE PERFECT JOB! I'm still hunting for things similar to the farm, something that captures whatever it was that we fell in love with so much. I can't imagine now going to work at a nine to five, returning home to an empty apartment. Life has to be more than that, doesn't it?
If you are really feeling crazy and frustrated, you should come on a road trip to Alaska this spring. It might actually happen. Far be it from me to give you slacker advice, but life is too short for working sucky jobs. Be free!
On the farm front, I'm a'going over to the GF blog to write about that.
I am feeling pretty fulfilled as a professional student. However, it is sort of a love-hate relationship. It's great when I'm learning things that will help me in my future career. On the other hand, spending a significant chunk of time every day at my desk is a bit draining. (Plus we go all year round. Goodbye summers off... goodbye spring break...) I do still have intense farm nostalgia and to this day cannot bring myself to buy butternut squash or kale from the supermarket. Sigh...
Oh, my friend. I know the feeling. And I'm not even there yet... I'm having a rough time finding something to do (I'm telling myself that I'm taking my time) that seems as wonderful as going back. And then I think about going back and how that wouldn't feel right, either. Ambivalence is a bitch.
Yes! Come to Alaska! How's your work-out challenge going? I need to get in on one of those, I think. If the weather makes up its mind and sends Spring, I may try to go out running again.
And I also miss huge pots and pans, ingredients at the tips of my fingers (seriously, I had to drive 45 minutes to find quinoa and tahini. Am I asking too much?). I have to learn all over again to use a stove top-- I'm forever burning things on my mother's electric range.
Hang in there! Spring is coming, and change is in the air!
Hey all -- Kt, Oldtimer, Tuzzy -- Tizzy especially!! Sorry I haven;t commented in a long time... just been blog stalking. I echo the same comments as the others: so sorry you are feeling unfulfilled/disappointed in your current situation. There is nothing worse than hating where you work every day.
I've got no answers for you though! Just sympathy and my hopes that you, and KT and Oldtimer figure out why the heck it's so hard to find something as fulfilling as the Farm.
xoxoxo
Tizzy,
Ditto again what everyone said. Oh, that paragraph about what you miss about the Kitchen made me homesick for the farm too, damn it! Glad to see you blogged again, we all missed hearing your blog voice. :)
Tell Joel hi, hope things look sunnier after he arrives, I'm sure they will. And if you want a break from SL come visit me in MI--I hate it and can't wait to get back to New England. :)
ps. I LOVED Eat Pray Love!
Post a Comment